Fulfillment and dry plants

Yesterday I was not very inspired to write, I had some expectations regarding the drawings because in the afternoon I had seen some interesting looking people and a group of asian tourists, but then again I was frustrated with the results. I do get frustrated very easily and that is one of my many flaws. It is taking a lot of me to just post the drawings feeling that they are not good enough, it is like I do not want anybody  to know that I am not "that good". Do I have to be that good? why? and what is a good drawing in this case anyway?   I see my drawings and I find that they lack something, which I do not know exactly what it is; maybe the problem is that I do compare my work with that of others.  And I should not do that....

I am always putting so may "I shoulds" on my back that I guess that is why I have usually stiff shoulders. I should draw more, so I will draw better, I should paint, I should try to do something with my artwork, I should practice more writing in german , and the list goes on and on. My frustration yesterday had also to do with the fact that I am not so sure what I want to do with my life, that is my working life. Yesterday I felt tired of dirty dishes to be washed, breakfast and dinner to be cooked, Fermin to be walked, and the daily housewife routine, that same one which when I did have job I claimed that I wanted to be a housewife. Now I am one and it doesn´t seem fulfilling. Or is it that we expect that fulfillment comes from outside while fulfillment comes from inside? or is it a mixture of both? Life sometimes seems so damn complicated, and when I say this I always feel guilty because of the millions of people who have a really hard life, but this thought doesn´t help so much in making my life  situtation to appear more simple. I am 41 and when I was 20 I was expecting that by this time I would have a couple of things settled (but well so it goes with 20 something expectations) and here I am trying to start all over again. Looking at the bright side of things, I know it is an opportunity of something new, to give a new fulfillment to this new phase in my life; but also deep inside me I ask myself if I am not too old for a new start already in this world that seems to belong to young yuppies. Maybe I am looking at things through the same used mirror, maybe I should look at things totally different; but how?, how to start?  I wish I could put all I know in a box, in another all I like, in another all I would like to learn, send it to someone whose works is about formulating futures and then that person could tell me: "all right Mrs. Carvalho now you could be good at........" I feel so confused about what to do in terms of a career, and then I feel insecure as well about my abilities in such a competitive job world, if I think , for example, about trying to work on illustration, then there are thousands of illustrators who are better than me, just here in Berlin!

Maybe it is not after all so bad to cook dinner everyday (and I mean having the time to look up interesting recipes and so on) and making drawings and writing for a blog. A friend said that writing helps her understands, it helps me understands too; so I guess it is just a process and  the number 1 "I should" on my list: I should have patience!

The drawings today: variations on a poor plant that of course did not survive the winter; but I do have a thing for dry plants and flowers, their shapes are so interestingly twisted. As for today´s dinner menu: tuna fish with wasabi-coconut milk sauce (got the recipe from epicurious.com) with sugar snap peas and basmati rice with pumpkin and red peppers. Actually quite good.